Set Up the Stage/ Overview

Through many years of working with people as a coach, particularly with children and teenagers who have difficulties concentrating or being motivated, I have made discoveries that have proven helpful for many of my clients. Growing up, I wish my parents would have had the skills that I’m revealing in this book! This is not about blaming parents, but about learning new strategies. Many resources were not available years ago; now information is readily accessible. You can learn and apply these strategies to create a happy, more harmonious family.

I grew up very shy and feeling unworthy. I promised myself that I would do things differently when I had my own family. Instead, I found myself repeating the same mistakes and creating and perpetuating the same family dynamics: anger, demands and yelling. I could not reach my children with the way I was communicating. I questioned my own reality, and realized there had to be a better way. Surely life had more to offer! I am sure, you as a reader, can relate to that. I went on a search, and through many classes, trainings, and the use of a personal coach I began my transformation. I discovered that the message I received growing up, had a major impact on my beliefs and actions. The more I searched, the more the quality of my communication began to change, as well as my self-worth, and the belief that there was hope.

You, as a parent, may sometimes wish there were a recipe for how to be a good parent. Since children are not born with an owner’s manual, it takes research to figure out what works. You can probably relate to feelings of self-doubt and negative self-talk. “I didn’t have good parents as a model. I don’t have my own life in order – how can I help my kids? I’m at the end of my rope; I’ve done everything I know how to do, and it isn’t helping. I don’t know what else to do.” Most people repeat the behavior they have learned because it is familiar. They operate under the belief that dealing with children is difficult, and they can not win. Many people have negative self-talk about parenting.

That’s what this book is about! I’d like to convey to you that it isn’t about who is going to win; it is about producing results that are good for you and your family. The knowledge that I gained has allowed me to assist people to develop themselves to live out their dreams.
Action Steps:

1. Be aware that you have all the resources inside of you to make the changes you need to make. They need to be developed and brought out by a coach.
2. Make the decision to be the best you can be.
3. Commit to be better; don’t just wish for improvement.
4. Focus on what you want to accomplish (instead of blaming,
be result oriented).
5. Adjust your communication!

Every parent wants motivated kids! They want their kids to do well in school, clean their rooms, help out with chores, be self-motivated and take the initiatives. Unfortunately, most of the time, teenagers are not self-motivated; they are busy searching for their own identity.

Once there was a belief that motivated people were born that way. Now we are discovering that motivated people can be created. People are driven to do what they find valuable and worthwhile. “What is the benefit of doing this?” is the underlying question that goes through the mind whether we are aware of it or not. This applies to all people.

As Maslow explained in his hierarchy of needs, first we take care of basic needs for food and shelter. Once those are in place, we look for love and connection. The next level is to define our self and find a place in the world. This occurs at any age, it reoccurs throughout life as we go through this journey.

I invite you to consider for a moment the world of a young person. They have opinions of their lifetime experience as we all do. They are in the process of discovering themselves, learning and defining who they are, sorting likes and dislikes, what is important or not, and how to fit into their environment. Obviously, this process promotes concentrating on self, with very little concern for what the parents want or desire for them. They are working within their own frame of reference; it is their lifetime of experience. The frame of reference is different for everyone, and needs to be respected.

The parents often look at a child’s apparent lack of motivation and communication and take it personally. They may feel guilty, assuming that they failed in some way. Some parents resort to threats to get short-term results, often passing on a negative legacy from their own childhood. Most people already know this doesn’t change or help the situation. Because at this point as a parent you know how many different obstacles can get in the way of really reaching your teenager, and you also know how important it is to do so. The following strategies will help to overcome these obstacles.

Some helpful hints from the book "Connecting With Resistant Teenagers, 10 Proven Steps"

CONNECTING WITH RESISTANTTEENAGERS
10 PROVEN STEPS

Anna Russo

EDUCATION DEGREE from ITALY

LIFE COACH, NLP TRAINER

AuthorHouse™

Bloomington, IN Milton Keynes, UK

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive, Suite 200
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.authorhouse.com
Phone: 1-800-839-8640

AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.
500 Avebury Boulevard
Central Milton Keynes, MK9 2BE
www.authorhouse.co.uk
Phone: 08001974150

©2006 Anna Russo. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 8/23/2006

ISBN: 1-4259-5072-8 (sc)

Printed in the United States of America
Bloomington, Indiana

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Table of Contents

Ten Techniques – A Checklist ........................................vii
Introduction .....................................................................ix
Dedication .......................................................................xi
Set Up the Stage/Overview ...........................................xiii
Chapter 1 How to Remain Calm: The Importance of
Taking a Deep Breath ................................................. 1
Chapter 2 How to Envision the Desired Outcome ........ 7
Chapter 3 How to Eliminate Peer Pressure ................. 13
Chapter 4 How to Motivate and Inspire Children and
Teens ......................................................................... 19
Chapter 5 How to Promote Healthy Self-Esteem ........ 31
Chapter 6 How to Set Boundaries ............................... 39
Chapter 7 How to Give Your Child the Chance to
Refl ect/Think ............................................................ 45
Chapter 8 How to Communicate with Different
Personalities/ Different Levels of Maturity .............. 49
Chapter 9 How to Keep Rapport ................................. 59
Chapter 10 How to Communicate in Combined
Families ..................................................................... 67

TEN TECHNIQUES – A CHECKLIST

1. Being a good model does not guarantee children
will listen. Parents need to learn to ask the right
questions and focus on the right issues.

2. Learn how to ask engaging questions. Good
intentions simply are not enough to raise happy and
well-adjusted children. Good communication is
essential to a peaceful and happy home. Decide on
the outcome and the message you want to deliver.

3. Peer pressure is an extremely strong force in shaping
children’s behavior. Creativity and objectivity on
the parents’ part can help route the peer pressure in
a positive direction.

4. We are motivated by what we value. Parents need to
accept that children have their own pressures. Using
techniques to link a feeling of accomplishment to
doing a good job is a necessary strategy to learn and
apply in order to motivate children.

5. High expectations for children based on what we
think they should do can be easily defl ated. Changing
reaction to action is the way to inspire our children.

6. Setting appropriate boundaries is a must if you
want to raise well-grounded children. Respectful
communication and realistic expectations can rid
your home of chaos and frustration.

7. The proper strategies help children change their
behavior and boost their self-worth. Help them
think by asking questions, and give them a chance
to review their thought process.

8. Children are all unique individuals, and grow up at
different stages. Parents need to communicate with
each child according to that child’s focus and style.

9. When you connect with your children at their level,
you show them that you care. You will be able to
maintain rapport, and they will be more open to your
suggestions.

10. If you fi nd yourself living in a combined family, the
goal is to develop the same respect, objectivity and
patience with your spouse’s children as with your
own.

vii

Introduction

I recommend that you read this book with an open mind
and with the purpose of assisting yourself to be the best
parent you can be. Give yourself the fl exibility to explore
your own family dynamic. Allow yourself the permission
to be comfortable with the process of looking at some areas
of your communication in a new way.

As I present situations, I will give you suggestions and
strategies to add to your current skills that will guarantee
better results. Children do not come with an owner’s
manual; they are unique like fi ngerprints. Imagine having
powerful new tools and strategies to make the changes that
you have been wishing to make for a long time! This book
is designed to be brief and concise for immediate results
in a time-pressured world. By now you have realized that
wishing is not going to make anything happen. To create
the results you really want, you need different strategies,
new perspectives and precise communication skills.

Throughout this book you will be presented with a
different way of communication than that to which you are
accustomed. Studies have proven that words do infl uence
the brain. Even though tone of voice has a stronger effect,
words create images in your mind, like, “Can you see that
purple tree?” You cannot help but imagine a purple tree
to make meaning out of the conversation! This book is
designed to change your strategies of communication from
blaming, to inspiring. Instead of “You never pay attention!”
how about “What would it take for you to pay more

attention?” The first statement is an accusation, and causes
the listener to imagine a picture of not paying attention.
The second example will cause the listener to imagine a
picture of fi nding a way to pay more attention. This book
will enable you, as a parent, to be more conscious of your
communication and to be more focused on the outcome
that you want.

Circumstances are always changing; it is important to
learn to adapt. With these tools you will learn how to
achieve your desired outcomes as well as add enjoyment to
new challenges. The results will benefi t you and everyone
around you.

Let this book be an inspiration and a guide to you. You
may fi nd a wealth of benefi cial information throughout
the book. You will have access to effective communication
tools to help you get through resistance, and to create
more harmony and cooperation in your family. This
will create a vehicle to tap into more of your children’s
powerful potential for growth.
Good Luck — Enjoy It!

Anna Russo
Your Life Coach

x

Are You Parenting Postively?

Parenting can often seem overwhelming, making us want to turn to experts for advice so we can just follow “good rules of parenting” says Anna Russo of Success Strategies. Most parents want to have a deep connection with their children and some succeed. What is the difference? How would you like to find out?

Step into this scene. Family members showing love and cooperation to each other! All are listening, respecting, and responding to each other’s requests! Everyone feeling content because they belong to our “special family”. Sounds and feels wonderful, doesn’t it? What is stopping you from creating this family portrait? Perhaps, you have been “trying” to solve kid problems as they occur-focusing on what you don’t want and getting short-term relief.

Every behavior is trying to fulfill a need. Do you know what your child is trying to fulfill when he/she is misbehaving? Here are some tips to help you.

1. First interrupt, limit or stop the unwanted behavior, as quickly and as calmly as possible.
2. Find the positive intention of the unwanted behavior. “What is it that you are trying to do?” “What is it that you want?”
3. Agree with or acknowledge the child’s positive intention. “It’s important to protect your things.”
4. Help the child find other ways to achieve his positive intention. “How else could you accomplish that?” With young children, it can be useful to mention possibilities for the child to consider

If we only stop unwanted behavior, children often gradually learn to think of themselves as “mean” or “bad”. They feel in conflict because as they see it, they can either hit and shove and get what they want, or be “nice” and lose something important to them.

In contrast, using all four steps enables you to help the child identify her positive intention and find another solution. Three of the long-term effects are:

• The child thinks of herself as having good intentions, in contrast to being “aggressive” or “bad”. This adds to a positive self-concept.
• The child eventually will come to think of other children in the same way – that even when they do things he does not like, they are acting out of good intentions.
• The child learns to automatically think of alternative solutions and use her creative resources whenever there is a problem to be solved.

Try applying these ideas as a first step to parenting positively. These ideas are part of the Parenting Workshop presented by Anna Russo. Russo has been successfully conducting workshops for parents and teachers through her business. For more information visit www.successstrategiesnlp.com.